Chat Her Up!: January 2005

Friday, January 28, 2005

The Feline Femina

Ever wished that you had some mundane, simple creature that you could compare women to(knock, knock boys! Women are NOT the "mundane, simple" creature!) to try and implode the complexity that means "WOMAN"??? Well, your Girl has found this creature, and is going to de-explain The Woman's World.

HERE KITTY, KITTY.......

For your viewing pleasure (because I know that things are easier to understand if in a more tangible form) picture a beautiful, sleek, sophisticated cat. She has long legs, come-to-bed eyes, and a purr that makes you want to buy her the world. Let's call her.....Kitty.....Got the picture? OK, let's start breaking her down.......

So you're in the mood for a bit of lurrrve. You ask Kitty to sit on your lap. What does she do? Turns tail and skitters away, nose in the air, and you clearly get the impression "only under my terms boy!" Sound familiar?

When you first met Kitty, did she fall into your arms, crooning that you were her only, her all, her master? HA! She probably scooted away, and you had to entice her with a tasty tidbit (Stop it! I don't mean THAT tidbit - and you know it!!! ;-( Bad Bad BAD!) Believe it.....or not?

Now I know that you boys ADORE patting her luscious beee-hind - it's just affectionate, right??? Well, ever try grabbing Kitty's booty in public? Did she purr? I DON'T THINK SO! A baleful glare, or swat of the paw is what YOU'LL get for your trouble!

Kittys like nice things, and are not afraid to ask for it! And of course the poor, unsuspecting you just can't refuse her when she rubs herself against you, whispering softly, looking at you with those adoring eyes! What's a man to do....??!!!

And of course, Kitty loves her independance! Try keeping her locked up and you'll come home to a niiiiiiiice surprise...Oh! Didn't I tell you? Kitty's a closet stripper!

And what more clear comparison could you have than if you bring OTHER Kittys home......??? Ooh la la, NOW you're in for a cat-fight! MEEEEEEOOOOOOW!!

But on the other side - if you take good care of your Kitty, love her (when she wants it), care for her (when she wants it), be faithful to her (that's in the contract ;-)...she'll purr for you.....all...night...long... ;-)

Monday, January 17, 2005

Even good girls are bad sometimes!

My, my...what a cadenza! An interesting (yet somewhat disturbing) gentleman recently whispered in my ear that all our romeos and lovely ladies are unable to comment on my articles! Fancy that!

So this is my test post following a few changes in settings...hope this works!

Love, Your Girl

PS: check out what our articulate, controversial gentleman has to say...

http://www.iamhim.blogspot.com

Thursday, January 13, 2005

"The Game" - chess anyone?

I was visiting a very good friend of mine last night and, snuggled up on the comfy suede couches with a steaming cup of tea in hand, we inevitably turned to the subject of men. This discussion though is not about what 2 women alone talk of on the Male Scale (I'll reserve that for another time), but about "The Game" - the intricate, carefully planned, strategic chess game of flirtation and love.

Admit it - we all play "The Game". Each level of a relationship (serious or not) has some sort of 'tried-and-tested' play. For example...you plan to go out to a nightclub - what are the steps that you take?
1. You drape yourself in your sexiest, most attention-holding outfit (depending on who you want to impress)
2. You check your hair in the mirror, maybe brush your teeth (in the hopefulness that someone deigns to snack on your lips)
3. And don't forget the deodorant - that specific scent that you believe will make the target swoon

OK, so now you're set. Off to the club we go! First thing you do when you're inside is look around - who's there and who's who? Select a few targets that you want to hit with your charm and sensuality (and also subconsciously tick off the ones you KNOW will not appreciate your generous advances!)
So the chess board is set up. The first move is yours

Guy: mind says - let's buy her a drink. So you go up to her and say something like, "Can I buy you a drink?" (very original!)
Girl: mind inactive at first - looks the guy over...not bad
mind says - is he the type that'll expect something back?
Guy: mind says - now she owes me
Girl: OK, he can get me a drink, but if he tries ANYTHING I'm out of here!

So now you're sitting at the bar, having that drink...

Girl: mind says - he's bought me a drink - I know he's interested; it's time to go to the bathroom and get the girls' advice......and off she goes (after mentioning something about "just going to the bathroom quickly")
Guy: mind says - I wonder if she kisses on the first meet (it's not exactly a date or anything). I'm going to try anyway, and if she doesn't, I'll try again

Anyway, you get the picture! It's not just one side involved in "The Game" - I know some of you boys think that it's only chicks that play games (she over-analyses EVERYTHING - all I asked her was if she wanted a drink, and now she thinks I want to ravage her and impregnate her and keep her as my "fluff on the side"!)

OH BOY ARE YOUR DREAMING! You guys are just as guilty in playing "The Game" - you just aren't as conscious of it as we are! Tsk tsk!

Hey! How 'bout you send in some of your conquests won through playing "The Game"? They say that learning from someone else's experience......OK, they actually say it never works......but hey, it'll be interesting to see how creative you were.........or not.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

A most enlightening article with some valuable advice, highlighting ways to test her readiness for kissing - such as the Pretend Kiss, the Enthusiasm Test and the Touch Test.

(I think that I wouldn't mind being a guinea pig for some of THESE tests....mmmmm!)

OH! And don't forget to check out the flirting moves - maybe you even have a few of your own that you'd like to share???

What boyfriends and technology have in common

In the world of technology, programs come into fruition, and then fall into disuse and are replaced. Dare I query if the same happens to our loved male species...(silent snigger). This is what one desperate user had to say on the matter...(unknown author)

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow-down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longerruns and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH'T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Monday, January 10, 2005

2 Girls and a Guy

So what is it about lesbians?? The general feel amongst the male species out there seems to be that it is every man's fantasy to have some "exotic" moments with two women. But further analysis indicates that, were you to really have those women at your beck, you wouldn't know what to do with them! Perish the thought! Is this true? Because I can tell you that many a woman whom I have chatted to says that she would know exactly what to do in this situation (yes, stop drooling, many women DO fantasise about playing a bit of cat 'n mouse with another babe!) I guess you could say, our Romeos are more of a garnishing than a main dish...mmmmmm!

Please send in your thoughts on this - I'm sure that there are many gorgeous, VERY curious ladies out there who would luuuuuuuurve to hear your side of the story.......MWA!

10 Resolutions of the Single Gal

At the end of 2004, she sits down on her plush couch in that floaty nightie, legs curled under her, and pink fluffy-tipped pencil in her hand (just in case she may need to adjust some of those resolutions later ;-) Diary at the ready, she tilts her head in concentration to make those

New Year's Resolutions

Get a sneak peek into her (sometimes disillusional) plans for the New Year,

and your Girl's revelations about them...

1. I WILL lose those 5kgs I gained over Christmas (I can't believe I let myself go like that - how will I ever find a man if I weigh this much!?(...despite the fact that she STILL weighs only just over 50!! This one can get tedious if, say, you're taking her out to a burger bar - she'll no doubt choose the rabbit food. But have patience Romeo! It'll pass as she cruises further into the year, and gains confidence in you!......Ever heard of a bit of "sugar-coating" the truth???)

2. I will make an effort to look gorgeous EVERY time I go out - you never know when you're going to bump into Mr. Right! But that's not the reason I'm doing it - it's for myself (but just in case...) (ONLY for your benefit Romeo, though she may say it's just for her own peace of mind!)

3. I am going to use the gym membership that I opened a year ago (and used 2ce?) and go at LEAST 4 times a week (ah yes, this is a great place for her flounce around in her skimpies, hoping to catch your eye! Or is that the reason that you go there...?)

4. I'm going to make an effort to see my mother more often (AAAAAAAAH! YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE! But don't you dare bolt Mister! Her mother is her personal interviewer - if you make nice with Mamma, you stand a better chance of snatching her adoration and everlasting gratitude...know what I mean?! ;-)

5. I'm giving up drinking and smoking (don't worry about this one, it won't last - we all say that before the New Year hits us, then BAM! reality strikes and we realise we can't really do without that glass of wine after a long day's work, or those 5 consecutive shooters to help us "loosen up a bit" when we hit the dance floor)

6. I'm going to have a HUUUUUUUGE spring clean, and KEEP IT THAT WAY! (BEAUTIFUL! What more could you ask for? Ditch your own crash-point and move in with her! A clean house means you'll never have to do the dishes, or pick you your sexy booty-huggers off the floor!)

7. I'm DEFINITELY going to stop waiting by the phone for him to call (hmmm, if you say so...the rules of being a babe inevitably involve waiting - albeit pretending not to - for that delicious man whom you met last night to buzz your line......so gents, don't fear that you'll have to call the next day - that's all part of the strategy)

8. I'm going to play him at his own game, and WIN! (Sweet! It's what you've wanted all along anyway, and finally she's seeing the light! No strings, no heavy emotions, just a one-night, fun-filled party...and I don't mean getting her home to your bed, darling!...just having a blast with no expectations, from BOTH SIDES!)

9. I'm going to take up the music/pottery/art/literature class I've always dreamed of (so you find literature boring...BAD LUCK! Your lady wants a supportive, listening (actively), interested ear from you, and she'll love you even more if you (pretend?) you're interested. Increase your points on her scoreboard by offering to take the class with her....hmmmm?)

10. I'm GOING to find Mr. Right this year! (oh the exquisite way the world works! You're going to make it easy for her to achieve THIS resolution, aren't you?!)

So there you have it! Your first insight into Her World. Now all we need to do is get you to write and lay out YOUR cards! Remember Handsome, it's all about you!

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Love, Life and All the Naughty Things In-between!

Well hello there Romeo ;-) Nice to meet you!

Welcome to your private space where you can find out what her deepest, darkest secrets are, and how to change "you're not my type" into "give it to me baby!"

WATCH OUT FOR - articles on being seen as irresistable; first date faux pas's; getting her to notice you in a club; does size count?......and much more!

Send in your queries, your issues, your blunders, and get feedback, comments and advice!

It's all about you Romeo!